My Definitive Ranking Of Quarterbacks With The Most Sauce

You can't argue with me, I'm right

Hello everyone, and welcome to a very exciting Hoopla where we talk about the most important thing an athlete can have: sauce.

Talent? I can take it or leave it. But sauce? That little extra something that makes an athlete significantly cooler whilst showing their talent? That’s what I want.

I won’t try to define sauce any further than that, because it’s like when the Supreme Court tried to say what porn is: You just know it when you see it.

Without further ado, here’s my rankings, which puts the quarterbacks into five tiers.

Peak Sauce

1.) Joe Burrow, Bengals

2.) Josh Allen, Bills

3.) Lamar Jackson, Ravens

4.) Justin Herbert, Chargers

The future of the NFL is bright, both in talent and in sauce. These four stand out among their peers in being immensely cool in a variety of ways. Let’s start with the current man of the hour, Joe Burrow. This dude screams sauce both on and off the field, and he has to be the current leader in the clubhouse.

Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson and Justin Herbert are not far behind him, with each playing the QB position in ways that make my jaw drop. Allen had the game of his life on Sunday and was robbed because of horrific overtime rules, while Jackson makes me enjoy watching a team I am supposed to hate. Herbert also did everything he could to get the Chargers into the playoffs and has a cannon attached to his arm that is consistently a blast.

These four all rock insanely hard, and are nearly impossible to root against.

Abundance of Sauce

5.) Matthew Stafford, Rams

6.) Kyler Murray, Cardinals

7.) Tom Brady, Buccaneers

8.) Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs

9.) Justin Fields, Bears

A strong group of saucy quarterbacks here that are on the precipice of the top tier. Matthew Stafford certainly has had moments this year where he was at peak sauce, and his most recent success in saving his team that tried so hard to throw a game away brings him right back to the top five.

That guy he beat, he’s a difficult one to pin down. Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all-time, but for years I would say he was mostly sauce deficient. His recent Bucs stint has been annoying as a fan (just lose a little, please!), but Brady is absolutely slinging it at 44 years old and is also oddly very funny and charismatic and hard to hate as much? I certainly could understand people thinking he has less sauce than this ranking, but just remember that I’m right.

You might also be thinking “Wyatt, have you ever watched Patrick Mahomes? 8th?!?!?” Yeah I have, and Mahomes is an unhinged maniac on the field. I also think he’s way too lame for his own good and I wish he was cooler. His brother and wife are mildly annoying, but are getting bullied in a weird, obsessive way that I’m not with. But even past them, Mahomes’ commercials? They’re bad folks. I don’t know, I just think he should have more sauce for how good he is, and I’m standing by it.

Oh yeah, and Justin Fields has extreme sauce potential and if he develops as he should, he will eventually make the top tier. No question.

Some Sauce

10.) Jalen Hurts, Eagles

11.) Daniel Jones, Giants

12.) Taylor Heinicke, WFT

13.) Zach Wilson, Jets

14.) Russell Wilson, Seahawks

15.) Drew Lock, Broncos

16.) Jimmy Garoppolo, 49ers

17.) Ryan Tannehill, Titans

18.) Tua Tagovailoa, Dolphins

Lots of guys in here that some would say are “not that good,” but I will remind you that sauce does not necessarily mean good, though it certainly helps. I think Daniel Jones is better than he gets credit for considering how much the Giants are in hell, but man he’s certainly entertaining to watch. Taylor Heinicke plays like a lunatic and I love him for that.

Zach Wilson is much better than the internet bullies paint him out to be, and he is by no means a bust yet. He makes throws that blow my damn mind, but he also makes some bad decisions and the Jets decided to make him play safe at the end of the year. But when he’s unleashed, he has unreal levels of sauce, and I’m sick of the slander he gets.

Why is Drew Lock on here if he’s a backup? I don’t know, I didn’t make the tier list template. But he is a good example of a bad quarterback with sauce. Does Jimmy G sneak into the top half because he’s handsome? Listen, sauce can come in many shapes and sizes, but he’s also cool because he does just enough to keep his job, his team wins the games and then everyone yells about how mediocre he is. Keep getting that check Jim, good work.

Sauce Deficiency

19.) Dak Prescott, Cowboys

20.) Derek Carr, Raiders

21.) Kirk Cousins, Vikings

22.) Mac Jones, Patriots

23.) Teddy Bridgewater, Broncos

24.) Matt Ryan, Falcons

25.) Davis Mills, Texans

26.) Trevor Lawrence, Jaguars

27.) Baker Mayfield, Browns

This group has quarterbacks that are so wildly different, and yet they all have the same trait: they lack proper sauce. Dak Prescott used to have it, and even with his team being quite good, there’s just not much sauce in his game.

Derek Carr is the base level for sauce. He is at 0.0 for his SAR (Sauce Above Replacement). There’s nothing wrong with him, and you can measure if your quarterback has sauce based on how he compares to Carr.

Kirk Cousins seems so lame, but he plays the quarterback position in a very unhinged way and that boosts his numbers a tad. I feel bad for Teddy Bridgewater, who I wish had more sauce considering he wears gloves and plays quarterback, but if I put him any higher, I would be lying to myself.

The only quarterback I have no answer for is Davis Mills, and I might be wrong here because I don’t think I watched a single Texans game besides their one against the Browns. So, sorry Davis, maybe you have the sauce.

Trevor Lawrence is in deep trouble in the sauce department, and we can only hope he recovers. Someone who I fear is too long gone now, however, is the man on the end. Baker used to be cool, but his whole shtick feels so overplayed and annoying now. His commercials are the last thing saving him from the void.

A Sauceless Void

28.) Jared Goff, Lions

29.) Sam Darnold, Panthers

30.) Carson Wentz, Colts

31.) Aaron Rodgers, Packers

32.) Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers

These quarterbacks are deeply uncool, and the first three on the list can just chalk it up to being very, very lame. Jared Goff had a surprisingly cool end of the season and is getting close to moving out of this tier, while Sam Darnold and Carson Wentz seem stuck here permanently.

Aaron Rodgers is a tough one. He is Schrödinger’s Sauce. He is one of the most entertaining quarterbacks to watch in the NFL, but his tirade off the field this year was some of the most annoying garbage I have seen in a long while. And yes, I saw all of it, because if there’s anything this man is not, it’s silenced or canceled.

Picking last place is not hard. Ben Roethlisberger is not cool, he is not fun, and most importantly, he should be in prison because he sexually assaulted multiple women. He retired today, and I wish him the worst time in his post-NFL career. No one deserves it more.

Feel free to make your own sauce rankings with the template here

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